Baby Blues Weekend

After 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive I've had to deal with friends and relatives who are pregnant. I assure you it has not been easy but I have managed as best I could when around them. This weekend though was particulary difficult for me. I have two very close friends who have supported me through my quest to have a baby - they have listened to me cry "why me?", they have listened to me detail my visits with the RE, they have been there for me through the first two years of my quest for a baby. All that time one friend was not ready for a baby and the other was planning her wedding and getting married. All of a sudden this summer (in the middle of my first failed IVF mind you) these two friends decide they are ready for a baby and *poof* they both get pregnant! Wow! They are so surprised! That was fast! Aren't we lucky! Yes - I say - They are VERY lucky. I don't think they realize just how lucky!

Both of these women were my bridesmaids so we are very close and have been friends for many many years. One lives in MD and came to visit this weekend. It was decided that we would meet the other friend for lunch in Boston and then go maternity clothes shopping at the store my sister owns (side note: my sister owns two maternity boutiques - I manage the one in RI and the other is in Boston - but that's a whole other Oprah).

We get to the restaurant and sit down for our meal. RIGHT AWAY the talk is ALL about morning sickness, strollers, weight gain, baby furniture, etc.! I thought I was going to scream but did maintain myself. Luckily I could drink wine - three glasses later I was feeling a little better :) Then it was onto the maternity store - I left them there to try on clothes saying I had to run an errand around the corner. It would have been much to hard for me to stick around and watch them try on clothes. Once they were finished we left and that was that.
I felt kind of bad because the rest of the weekend I really did not ask my friend who was visiting any questions about how she was feeling about being pregnant, was she scared, nervous - all the questions good friends are supposed to ask and share with each other. But I just could not bring myself to open that discussion. I felt like any moment I would cry if I did.

I realize this all might sound like self-created pity and someone who has not dealt with infertility would say I was being selfish and not a good friend because I did not join in my friends happiness. But then I ask why is it up to the reproductively challenged to have to deal with the fertile mrytles with a smile on their face? Why do we have to be the good guys? The fertile mrytles have plenty of other people they can discuss their pregnancies with - why does it have to be us is my question?

It's been a sad couple of days and I'm feeling PMS symptoms coming on which makes me even more sad. We did try on our own this month and I was being hopeful but I feel like we might not have grabbed the brass ring AGAIN. Will I ever get that brass ring? Or will I keep going around and around on the merry-go-round every month - hoping and praying the ache inside will someday turn to elation?

Well on a brighter note the Red Sox are currently beating the Yankees 2-1 in Game Five - GO SOX!!!!