Damn the fertiles!

Lately when I see a pregnant woman or a woman with her newborn I get those old feelings back of pure hate! The feelings are strong but not as strong as they use to be. They are there though and that has me a little worried. I worry that they will never fully go away. That I will have to deal with this for a long time. I know that I just stopped fertility treatments and made the decision to adopt in August. When that decision was made I felt a tremendous weight removed from my shoulders and it was easier to be around the fertiles. However, it is not completely gone and I thought it would be by now. I think this is how I'm seeing things: I am happy for myself to go into a baby store and look at baby things but when I'm in there I feel the hatred start to rise up in me towards all the 'happy fertiles' around me. I feel really bitter and have to leave. This upsets me because I feel like they are ruining my happiness. They destroyed me when I was TTC and now that I'm 'expecting on paper' I still feel like they are destroying me. I feel like there is a club that I will never, ever belong to. Not really anyway.
Yesterday a woman on the WW GDT board came on and asked if there were any adopting moms on the board. I never answered because I saw it later in the night. But a few women came on and said they were adopting or had adopted their children. It was nice to see a community of women in the same 'club' I was in. Then I went over to the CAM's board (Calling All Moms) and read some posts. Every time I go on there I feel like such an outsider. I never post but just reading them makes me feel like I am not in their 'club'. Discussions are all about raising kids, pregnancy, TTC and nursing. The only thing I will ever have in common with the other mothers will be raising kids. And I am grateful for that. I truly am. I just can't believe that I am still feeling this anger and anxiety. It scares me.
And here is the most awful thing that I've never admitted before. When I see pregnant women on the street (I never do this in my store with my customers) I give them a dirty look. To make them feel just as bad as I do. I know that is so awful!!!!
I want them to feel gross for being all big and beautiful. I want them to be jealous of me because I'm skinny and will not have to lose all the baby weight. I want them to feel just as bad as I do but for opposite reasons. Please do not flame me for this. These are my feelings and I know they are wrong but I just can't help it.
I really thought all of this would go away once we started the adoption process and like I said before, it has to some degree. I guess the bottom line is that I am still harboring feelings of being defective and still don't think it is fair that J and I had to go through all the infertility crap! I know that I'm truly lucky to be adopting and I dream of my future baby all the time. I can't wait to meet him/her. Our child will be a true blessing. But in the meantime I still get angry. I'm human.
Please do not think I'm a hateful person. I don't expect anyone reading this who has not had to deal with infertility to understand. But you infertiles will know exactly what I'm talking about. And it's not an everyday feeling. It comes and goes. That's what makes it so hard to deal with.