Just another manic monday!
Not really - It was actually the only manic monday I've ever had. My week started out with a good ol' fashioned nervous breakdown - or as they medical community likes to refer to them nowaday's as a 'panic attack'. Whatever they are called these day's I HAD ONE! And it scared the holy shit out of me! I was having coffee and getting ready to go to work (the maternity boutique) when all of a sudden I began to cry uncontrolably and fell to the floor. Somehow I then ended up in the kitchen on the floor and proceeded to start to hyperventilate and felt as if my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I then felt as if I could not breath. I was so scared and managed to get my cell phone to call my husband at work. The thing is the secretary never answered the phone - it kept going to company voice mail - which made me start to freak out more because I thought I was going to die right there and he would come home later that day and find me. So I just rode it all out by myself and the thoughts going through my head were that of an insane person. As I was starting to calm down I was finally able to get intouch with my husband and he came home immediately. We both knew why this happened and have decided to start seeing a psychiatrist to deal with what we are going through, especially me.
Over the weekend we spent the night with friends who have a one year old. We had gone out to watch the Red Sox game in Boston and ended up staying with them Sat. night. Sunday we had to go to my sister's house to celebrate my nephew's 3rd birthday. I ADORE my nephew and my husband and I decided that we wanted to take him down to Kenmore and Fenway to soak up the Red Sox Fever atmosphere. We rode the T with him and my husband carried him on his shoulders as we walked around Landsdowne St. and Yawkey Way. It was a fun afternoon but being with my nephew just triggered something in me I think. I started to get really depressed as the day went on and I could have burst into tears at any second. I realized that what we were doing with my nephew was something that we should be doing with our own child. Everywhere I looked there were parents with their kids enjoying each other and the excitment of the Red Sox. To top off this low feeling I started my period over the weekend. All of these feelings have built up in me before and I just learned to bury them so I won't have to deal with them. I think that if I bury them then they will go away - and the do - but only temporarily. I think this past weekend was a final straw for me emotionally and all of the emotions I've burried over the last 2 years surfaced Monday morning in the form of a breakdown! It has also left me in a really deep state of depression. I look around me and feel a sense of loss. I don't enjoy any events anymore, I'm staying away from friends and all I want to do is sleep.
Today is our first appt. with the psychiatrist and I'm hoping she will be able to help. However I don't see how she can unless she has the magic cure for infertility. I am open to going to her though. My husband thinks that she can at least give us a game plan for me to feel better.
I am so frustrated with myself for getting this way though because now I have to deal with my emotional state PLUS infertility. And it's the damn infertility that got me here!
I tried doing some research online about infertility causing anxiety/depression. I found some sites that deal with the mind/body link - but that's what I tried this past summer while doing IVF #1 and none of it worked. I also found a lot of sites that claim stress is a direct link to infertility! But infertility causes stress! Basically it looks like I'm screwed!
I'm not sure many people actually discuss the rammifications to your mental well-being when you can't get pregnant. Society just expects us to go on with our lives 'dealing' with our problem.
I can't even find a support group in RI for women/couples dealing with infertility. I bet if I had cancer I could walk into a support group tonight! (I'm not by any means belittling cancer)
posted by wendy @ 12:24 PM
5 Comments:
I became very depressed from the infertility. I found a Mind/Body group through my RE and a counselor they recommended. I had a break down thanks to IF...actually a few of them. The group has been a life saver for me. I know you said you did the Mind/Body thing and didnt think much of it. You didnt say if you read the book and/or joined a group? The group made the difference for me. Being around other owmen and couples who say "yeah, I know what you mean" has been wondeful. Also, through the girls in the group I found Anji CDs for women going through infertility. The help tremdously with the breathing thing to get the relaxation response. It may not help me get pregnant but it has heped me gain control over my life and to deal with the infertility.
This link may help you find others in your community...
http://207.44.160.141/board/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=133
I hope this helps and doesnt come across as assvice.
Blessings!
You might want to check out the book Rhodiola Revolution, it has a lot of information about how the body responds to stress over time and about herbs you can take to help out. My partner has panic-anxiety and rhodiola has totally helped him to keep it under control, with some diet and lifestyle changes as well (i.e. - regular exercise and taking work less seriously). He was on Paxil for a while but neither of us liked the side effects.
Hey Wendy,
I just found your blog through "A Little Pregnant". You haven't posted in ages, I hope everything's okay!
Hi I also just found your blog through A Little Pregnant,I saw you haven't posted since October, I hope everything is all right and that you'll be posting again soon! Did you start another blog somewhere else?? I'll check back sometime and see if there are any new posts!
Rhodiola Rosea is the latest natural remedy to join the arsenal of natural anxiety and stress (type of stress) reducers.
Rhodiola Rosea, also known as Golden Root, is a native plant of arctic Siberia. For centuries it has been used by eastern European and Asian cultures for physical endurance, work productivity, longevity, resistance to high altitude sickness, and to treat fatigue, depression, anemia, impotence, gastrointestinal ailments, infections, and nervous system disorders.
The first recorded medicinal applications of rodia riza (renamed Rhodiola Rosea) was made by the Greek physician, Dioscorides, in 77 C.E. in 'De Materia Medica'. Rhodiola Rosea has been included in official Russian medicine since 1969.
Despite its long history, the Western world has only recently become aware of the health benefits of Rhodiola Rosea. It has come to the attention of many natural health practitioners because of studies which tested its affects on combating anxiety and stress.
Rhodiola Rosea is considered an adaptogen. This means it has an overall stabilizing effect on the body without disrupting other functions. Its ability to normalize hormones may be effective for treating depression and anxiety.
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Since adaptogens improve the body's overall ability to handle stress, it has been studied to identify it's effects on biological, chemical and physical stress.
A study was performed to test the effects of Rhodiola Rosea when stress or type of stress is caused by intense mental work (such as final exams). Such tests concluded that using Rhodiola Rosea improved the amount and quality of work, increasing mental clarity and reducing the effects of fatigue.
The effects of Rhodiola Rosea have also been tested on stress and anxiety from both physical and emotional sources. A report by the American Botanical Council states that "Most users find that it improves their mood, energy level, and mental clarity." They also report on a study that indicated Rhodiola Rosea could increase stress tolerance while at the same time protecting the brain and heart from the physical affects of stress.
This report included details of studies which highlight the overall health benefits of Rhodiola Rosea.
The generally recommended dose is 200-600mg/day. The active properties should be a minimum 0.8 percent salidroside and 3 percent rosavin.
It is important for consumers to know that Rhodiola may be sold using other species that do not share the properties of Rhodiola Rosea, type of stress, or at ineffective strengths for treatment. Anyone with depression or anxiety should also check with a health professional when treating these symptoms.
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