Lots of What If's

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been so busy with day-to-day tasks that seem to be quiet boring for my blog that I've avoided posting. Anyway - I'm going against that rule because sometimes no matter how boring my day was it helps to write things down and clear ones head.
Today marks us waiting 3 weeks for our I171-H form from INS. They denied us on Dec. 8 and since then we have (well DH really) compiled the court documents, written a letter of appeal and sent it off with our agency letter that vouches for us to the office of immigration here in Providence. The good thing is that it does not have to travel far in the mail, but my God 3 weeks now!? It is such a nerve wrecking time because if they deny us a second time (for whatever reason I don't know) I have no idea what we will do!! Our agency says that it will be ok and they should approve us this time now that we've explained why the incidences were left off our homestudy.
Still this wait is making me crazy. We are in 'limbo' - no moving forward or backward. Well actually we did move backward - we took two giant steps back and have been waiting and waiting.
I was in Target the other day (a place I try to avoid like the plague but this was a necessary trip) and saw two baby bibs - one said I Love My Mommy and the other said I Love My Daddy. I could not help myself! I had to buy them and put them in the phantom baby room for the phantom baby. That's what I've been referring to he or she lately - the phantom baby. Because right now he or she is only in our heads and hearts, a phantom of our imagination. I feel like I have gone through so many scenarios of how he/she will look, of how I will act when we finally do receive a referral. Will I be overjoyed? Will I be in shock? Will I cry? What if I don't cry?
So far in the baby quest journey we have been filled with only disappointment - failed IUI's, failed IVF's, unsuccessful surgery, 38 monthly periods that arrived like clockwork. When we made the decision to adopt back in August it was a feeling of relief that came over both DH and I. Getting the paperchase complete was an exciting process but was more work than anything. Then we had the disappointment of the denial from INS - so even when we are adopting we still get disappointed. So see, everything that we've ever done to try and have a baby has been filled with disappointment. People tell me to think positive and I want to scream at them "HOW?"
So I now wonder what will my reaction be when and if we finally do get good news?
Will I be filled with trepidation and not really believe it? Will that make me think do I really deserve this since I'm not jumping for joy and crying happy tears?
So many 'what if's'.....