Opening Doors

Last night as J and I were watching The Office (great show by the way!) my mind began to wander. I started to think about how this time last year we were preparing for our second IVF. I remembered all of the anxious feelings I felt and the hope I tried to muster even though negative doubt was all that I could come up with. I hated the way I felt last year. I hated the fact that I was working in a maternity store with happy fucking pregnant women. I hated that all of my friends were having babies with the greatest of ease. I hated my body. I hated my RE and I especially hated the RE Nurse. I hated her because I had to wait all day, the longest days of my life, to hear her voice on the other end of the phone tell me, "I'm sorry but the test was negative". After so many phone calls like that I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her. Even though I knew it was not her fault I had to blame someone.
So last night as I'm sitting there on the couch with J and thinking about last year it suddenly hit me that now a year later we were waiting for a different kind of phone call. This time we were waiting for a phone call where the voice on the other end will have something positive to say! They will say, "Congratulations, we have a baby for you!" It hit me like a ton of bricks! The next phone call regarding our journey to become parents will be a positive one. We will finally have a baby!
And then I began to laugh. The kind of laugh that is a bit hysterical, almost on the verge of crying. J asked me what the hell was wrong with me. I think he thought I had suddenly gone insane. So I told him what I was thinking. I told him that we are closer than we have ever been to becoming parents and that made me the happiest woman in the world and it also scared the holy shit out of me! We both just smiled. It was a moment I'll never forget.

This morning I was watching Adoption Stories on Discovery Health (like I do every morning at 7 am. I know I'm weird) and the couple had dealt with infertility and then adopted from India. The mother said something that made me think she was sitting with J and I on our couch last night. She said that throughout their infertility treatments they always seemed to be coming upon dead ends, locked doors. But during the adoption process each step was opening a new door that eventually lead to their daughter.

I'm very much looking forward to opening the next door and seeing our child's face.