Opening Doors

Last night as J and I were watching The Office (great show by the way!) my mind began to wander. I started to think about how this time last year we were preparing for our second IVF. I remembered all of the anxious feelings I felt and the hope I tried to muster even though negative doubt was all that I could come up with. I hated the way I felt last year. I hated the fact that I was working in a maternity store with happy fucking pregnant women. I hated that all of my friends were having babies with the greatest of ease. I hated my body. I hated my RE and I especially hated the RE Nurse. I hated her because I had to wait all day, the longest days of my life, to hear her voice on the other end of the phone tell me, "I'm sorry but the test was negative". After so many phone calls like that I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her. Even though I knew it was not her fault I had to blame someone.
So last night as I'm sitting there on the couch with J and thinking about last year it suddenly hit me that now a year later we were waiting for a different kind of phone call. This time we were waiting for a phone call where the voice on the other end will have something positive to say! They will say, "Congratulations, we have a baby for you!" It hit me like a ton of bricks! The next phone call regarding our journey to become parents will be a positive one. We will finally have a baby!
And then I began to laugh. The kind of laugh that is a bit hysterical, almost on the verge of crying. J asked me what the hell was wrong with me. I think he thought I had suddenly gone insane. So I told him what I was thinking. I told him that we are closer than we have ever been to becoming parents and that made me the happiest woman in the world and it also scared the holy shit out of me! We both just smiled. It was a moment I'll never forget.

This morning I was watching Adoption Stories on Discovery Health (like I do every morning at 7 am. I know I'm weird) and the couple had dealt with infertility and then adopted from India. The mother said something that made me think she was sitting with J and I on our couch last night. She said that throughout their infertility treatments they always seemed to be coming upon dead ends, locked doors. But during the adoption process each step was opening a new door that eventually lead to their daughter.

I'm very much looking forward to opening the next door and seeing our child's face.

Pink Roses

When I got home from work yesterday DH had gotten a dozen baby pink roses for me as a congratulations for getting approval! At first I thought "No Way! The agency did not call already with a referral of a girl?!" That was my first thought but then I realized it was just DH being sweet after the last two months of hell. Since it was kind of his fault ;)
He also cooked a nice dinner and we had a great bottle of wine.
It was a really good day!

OH MY GOD!

I have good news to share!!!!
I received a call this morning from our agency and she informed me that we have APPROVAL!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPPEEE!!! I guess I'm answering my own question I posted yesterday, "How will I react when I get some good news?" Well I'll tell you I'm SO relieved. The knot in my neck has subsided slightly and there is a smile on my face :) I called DH first, then my mom, then my dad and then my sister. Everyone was so thrilled! We are now all on official referral baby wait - which to me is the greatest wait so far. I know it could be a long wait but I don't really mind at this point because after being in limbo for two months and not knowing if I will be able to actually have a referral this is so exciting to me.
I know I'm rambling but knowing that the next phone call I get from the agency will mean they have a boy or girl for us. To actually be this close to seeing our child is taking my breath away. The idea of loving him or her is swelling up in me and I now know exactly how I will act when we see his or her picture for the first time. I will act like a very proud mommy wanting to shout from the rooftops that we have FINALLY - FINALLY arrived :)

Lots of What If's

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been so busy with day-to-day tasks that seem to be quiet boring for my blog that I've avoided posting. Anyway - I'm going against that rule because sometimes no matter how boring my day was it helps to write things down and clear ones head.
Today marks us waiting 3 weeks for our I171-H form from INS. They denied us on Dec. 8 and since then we have (well DH really) compiled the court documents, written a letter of appeal and sent it off with our agency letter that vouches for us to the office of immigration here in Providence. The good thing is that it does not have to travel far in the mail, but my God 3 weeks now!? It is such a nerve wrecking time because if they deny us a second time (for whatever reason I don't know) I have no idea what we will do!! Our agency says that it will be ok and they should approve us this time now that we've explained why the incidences were left off our homestudy.
Still this wait is making me crazy. We are in 'limbo' - no moving forward or backward. Well actually we did move backward - we took two giant steps back and have been waiting and waiting.
I was in Target the other day (a place I try to avoid like the plague but this was a necessary trip) and saw two baby bibs - one said I Love My Mommy and the other said I Love My Daddy. I could not help myself! I had to buy them and put them in the phantom baby room for the phantom baby. That's what I've been referring to he or she lately - the phantom baby. Because right now he or she is only in our heads and hearts, a phantom of our imagination. I feel like I have gone through so many scenarios of how he/she will look, of how I will act when we finally do receive a referral. Will I be overjoyed? Will I be in shock? Will I cry? What if I don't cry?
So far in the baby quest journey we have been filled with only disappointment - failed IUI's, failed IVF's, unsuccessful surgery, 38 monthly periods that arrived like clockwork. When we made the decision to adopt back in August it was a feeling of relief that came over both DH and I. Getting the paperchase complete was an exciting process but was more work than anything. Then we had the disappointment of the denial from INS - so even when we are adopting we still get disappointed. So see, everything that we've ever done to try and have a baby has been filled with disappointment. People tell me to think positive and I want to scream at them "HOW?"
So I now wonder what will my reaction be when and if we finally do get good news?
Will I be filled with trepidation and not really believe it? Will that make me think do I really deserve this since I'm not jumping for joy and crying happy tears?
So many 'what if's'.....

The Very Thought of You

I listen to a jazz/swing station here in southern RI and lately they have been playing a song sung by Natalie Cole called "The very thought of you". It was originally sung by her father Nat King Cole. Anyway - I was in the car and actually listened to the lyrics and just started to cry.
I can not say it better myself so here they are.
Read and you will understand....

The very thought of you and I forget to do
The little ordinary things that everyone ought to do
I’m living in a kind of daydream
I’m happy as a king
And foolish though it may seem
To me that’s everything

The mere idea of you, the longing here for you
You’ll never know how slow the moments go till I’m near to you
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It’s just the thought of you
The very thought of you, my love

Big Changes for 2006

Well I finally did it! I quit my job as manager of the maternity boutique. After 3 and a half LONG years of working with hormonal, pregnant women I finally decided it was time to move on. Why I did not do this years ago is the big question everyone wants to know. I have a few answers and the main one is that my sister is the owner and therefore my boss. We began the journey together and I always thought it was worth the heartache to make the business successful. After a while I just became kind of numb to the whole thing and after we decided to adopt my emotional state did get better. However, if anyone has ever worked with family then you will know it's not the best situation to be in. My sister would take any and everything out on me. As my mom would say when I asked why does she do this, "It's because you are her sister". I guess being related gives license to treat those relatives like shit. Who knew!?

I admit growing up I was a bit mean to my little sister as all big sisters are. At times when she would be taking out her frustrations with the business out on me I would justify it by saying it's 'payback'. But is that right? Is that worth it?
Our relationship has gotten so strained over the last year that I finally told her I could not take her hurtful words any longer. Had she NOT been my sister I would have quit a very long time ago.

So anyway - after it's all said and done I will be moving on and starting my own business. I will miss working at the boutique. I really did enjoy it at times but the stress on me and my relationship with my sister was just not worth it. To be honest the last three years have not been the best of my life. Going through infertility and working on a daily basis with pregnant women was just plain crazy and really did a number on my mental state. I'm surprised I survived because there were days when I either wanted to drive off the road on the way home or literally punch one of my customers in the stomach. I know that sounds awful but that is really how low my state of mind would get and somehow I pulled through and came out on the other side adopting a baby and a MUCH stronger and wiser person than I was when I first opened this store. Even though my faith in God is very rocky after all of this, I can say that He does work in mysterious ways and one day I will understand the meaning of this phase of my life.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and hope that whatever your goals are or whatever you've been through in the past, that 2006 is a year filled with happiness and love.
That is something everyone deserves.

New Name + New Attitude + A traffic vent = My Monday Blog Entry

Today is my first post as a non-defective woman. I always hated that name I chose for my blog but at the time that is exactly how I felt. But now I too am expecting a baby, I just don't have a bump to prove it. Hence the "Not Showing" name for my blog. It is also the name of my new business but I still can't really talk about that because I'm in the process of setting it up. I'm almost finished though and will let you know what it is all about in Jan 2006!

So onto another issue that is completely off topic but I just have to vent a little about it. Driving into work this morning I came upon some highway construction (not uncommon here in RI) and the two-lane road was merging into one lane. So I'm in the right lane and it's the left lane that will be closed up ahead. What pisses me off to no end is the impatient people (and you know who you are) that speed up the left lane to the point where it closes and then expect all the patient people in the right lane to let you in. And so everyone else seems to follow suit and this is what causes traffic back-up. It really annoys me and so ends my little vent. I feel better now! :)