Just another manic monday!

Not really - It was actually the only manic monday I've ever had. My week started out with a good ol' fashioned nervous breakdown - or as they medical community likes to refer to them nowaday's as a 'panic attack'. Whatever they are called these day's I HAD ONE! And it scared the holy shit out of me! I was having coffee and getting ready to go to work (the maternity boutique) when all of a sudden I began to cry uncontrolably and fell to the floor. Somehow I then ended up in the kitchen on the floor and proceeded to start to hyperventilate and felt as if my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I then felt as if I could not breath. I was so scared and managed to get my cell phone to call my husband at work. The thing is the secretary never answered the phone - it kept going to company voice mail - which made me start to freak out more because I thought I was going to die right there and he would come home later that day and find me. So I just rode it all out by myself and the thoughts going through my head were that of an insane person. As I was starting to calm down I was finally able to get intouch with my husband and he came home immediately. We both knew why this happened and have decided to start seeing a psychiatrist to deal with what we are going through, especially me.

Over the weekend we spent the night with friends who have a one year old. We had gone out to watch the Red Sox game in Boston and ended up staying with them Sat. night. Sunday we had to go to my sister's house to celebrate my nephew's 3rd birthday. I ADORE my nephew and my husband and I decided that we wanted to take him down to Kenmore and Fenway to soak up the Red Sox Fever atmosphere. We rode the T with him and my husband carried him on his shoulders as we walked around Landsdowne St. and Yawkey Way. It was a fun afternoon but being with my nephew just triggered something in me I think. I started to get really depressed as the day went on and I could have burst into tears at any second. I realized that what we were doing with my nephew was something that we should be doing with our own child. Everywhere I looked there were parents with their kids enjoying each other and the excitment of the Red Sox. To top off this low feeling I started my period over the weekend. All of these feelings have built up in me before and I just learned to bury them so I won't have to deal with them. I think that if I bury them then they will go away - and the do - but only temporarily. I think this past weekend was a final straw for me emotionally and all of the emotions I've burried over the last 2 years surfaced Monday morning in the form of a breakdown! It has also left me in a really deep state of depression. I look around me and feel a sense of loss. I don't enjoy any events anymore, I'm staying away from friends and all I want to do is sleep.

Today is our first appt. with the psychiatrist and I'm hoping she will be able to help. However I don't see how she can unless she has the magic cure for infertility. I am open to going to her though. My husband thinks that she can at least give us a game plan for me to feel better.
I am so frustrated with myself for getting this way though because now I have to deal with my emotional state PLUS infertility. And it's the damn infertility that got me here!

I tried doing some research online about infertility causing anxiety/depression. I found some sites that deal with the mind/body link - but that's what I tried this past summer while doing IVF #1 and none of it worked. I also found a lot of sites that claim stress is a direct link to infertility! But infertility causes stress! Basically it looks like I'm screwed!
I'm not sure many people actually discuss the rammifications to your mental well-being when you can't get pregnant. Society just expects us to go on with our lives 'dealing' with our problem.
I can't even find a support group in RI for women/couples dealing with infertility. I bet if I had cancer I could walk into a support group tonight! (I'm not by any means belittling cancer)

Miracles Do Happen!

Well at least in baseball they do! I'm feeling pretty good about being a Red Sox fan right now! I am kind of bummed that I live in RI because I'm not around all the town excitment. I did live in Boston for 10 years and I miss it every day. Our Boston maternity store is having a fashion show tonight so I'm heading up there today (it's actually only about an hour away) and will hopefully get caught up in all the frenzy! My husband and I are also planning on going in to town this weekend to watch the World Series at a bar as close to Fenway Park as possible. We have friends and family in the Boston area so we should have no problem finding a place to crash. :)
I know this might sound kind of silly but I look at the Sox going to the World Series as a sign that anything is possible - even me getting pregnant. If they can never give up hope than neither can I!
Anyway today is a good day!

Baby Blues Weekend

After 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive I've had to deal with friends and relatives who are pregnant. I assure you it has not been easy but I have managed as best I could when around them. This weekend though was particulary difficult for me. I have two very close friends who have supported me through my quest to have a baby - they have listened to me cry "why me?", they have listened to me detail my visits with the RE, they have been there for me through the first two years of my quest for a baby. All that time one friend was not ready for a baby and the other was planning her wedding and getting married. All of a sudden this summer (in the middle of my first failed IVF mind you) these two friends decide they are ready for a baby and *poof* they both get pregnant! Wow! They are so surprised! That was fast! Aren't we lucky! Yes - I say - They are VERY lucky. I don't think they realize just how lucky!

Both of these women were my bridesmaids so we are very close and have been friends for many many years. One lives in MD and came to visit this weekend. It was decided that we would meet the other friend for lunch in Boston and then go maternity clothes shopping at the store my sister owns (side note: my sister owns two maternity boutiques - I manage the one in RI and the other is in Boston - but that's a whole other Oprah).

We get to the restaurant and sit down for our meal. RIGHT AWAY the talk is ALL about morning sickness, strollers, weight gain, baby furniture, etc.! I thought I was going to scream but did maintain myself. Luckily I could drink wine - three glasses later I was feeling a little better :) Then it was onto the maternity store - I left them there to try on clothes saying I had to run an errand around the corner. It would have been much to hard for me to stick around and watch them try on clothes. Once they were finished we left and that was that.
I felt kind of bad because the rest of the weekend I really did not ask my friend who was visiting any questions about how she was feeling about being pregnant, was she scared, nervous - all the questions good friends are supposed to ask and share with each other. But I just could not bring myself to open that discussion. I felt like any moment I would cry if I did.

I realize this all might sound like self-created pity and someone who has not dealt with infertility would say I was being selfish and not a good friend because I did not join in my friends happiness. But then I ask why is it up to the reproductively challenged to have to deal with the fertile mrytles with a smile on their face? Why do we have to be the good guys? The fertile mrytles have plenty of other people they can discuss their pregnancies with - why does it have to be us is my question?

It's been a sad couple of days and I'm feeling PMS symptoms coming on which makes me even more sad. We did try on our own this month and I was being hopeful but I feel like we might not have grabbed the brass ring AGAIN. Will I ever get that brass ring? Or will I keep going around and around on the merry-go-round every month - hoping and praying the ache inside will someday turn to elation?

Well on a brighter note the Red Sox are currently beating the Yankees 2-1 in Game Five - GO SOX!!!!

Last Minute Decision

First of all let me tell you a little bit about myself, my husband (whom I'll refer to from now on as JR)and our infertility saga. We were married on June 22, 2002 and started trying to concieve a baby that very night. Since then we have gone through two rounds of clomid, 5 failed IUI's and one failed IVF. I've had every test under the sun as has JR and we are technically refered to as 'unexplained'.
Our 1st failed IVF cycle was just this past August. I took time off from my job - which ironically is that of managing a maternity boutique and a whole other blog subject - for two months leading up to the IVF. I did acupuncture, yoga and reiki once a week. I quit drinking alcohol and caffine. I stayed away from anything that would cause me stress and basically just did nothing all summer in hopes that by being my healthiest and being stress free my body would respond by getting pregnant. I mean how hard can it be? Really - people get pregnant every day?! I had tried every other trick in the book to no avail and now that we were trying the 'big gun' of IVF it should be a no brainer. Right? Wrong! I was so wrong and devestated that it did not work. The RE suggested waiting a cycle (we were able to only freeze two embryos) and then try another fresh cycle so that if that did not work we would have more frozen embryos to work with. Well today was the day I was supposed to start taking the suppression drugs for the next fresh cycle and last night I really freaked out about going back into another IVF cycle. All along I knew I was getting ready to do one but decided not to prepare myself with all the hollistic things and just live my life normal as opposed to what I did over the summer. I still had limited wine and caffine but I maintained a healthy diet. I think that last night I just realized I was not ready to jump back into the emotional rollercoaster and the poking and proding and the stress that comes with an IVF cycle. I'm also just so scared to have another failed cycle - I'm not sure I can handle that again.
JR and I decided to try on our own for the next few months and look into IVF #2 in January.
I should mention that among all the tests I've had I did request Immune testing from my RE and it came back that I have a gene mutation that is pretty common apparently. This gene mutation means that I 'possibly' have blood clotting issues which can inhibit implantation and that I could possibly have low folate levels. Apparently the two years worth of pre-natals is not enough. So in additon to the pre-natatls I was prescribed 4 milligrams of folic acid plus a low dose adult asprin. I started that treatment a month ago and JR and I hope that by trying on our own along with the extra vitamins and asprin we might get lucky. Wouldn't that be just a hoot if it happened naturally after all this time?