Love & Marriage

So I was watching The Today show yesterday. They are doing a series on marriage and the things couples fight about or have problems with. Yesterday was about finding time for each other once the kids come along. I rarely listen to tv psycho babble but this time I did and they made some good points. So good that I actually grabbed a pen and paper and jotted down what they were saying. Hey - J and I are having a baby soon and I'm actually scarred to death how it will change us. I'm fully aware of the fact that it will change us, that is inevitable. I just want to be prepared so that we don't fall into a rut or trap that is hard to get out of.

Here are some of the things the 'TV Dr's' suggested to keep your marriage on a positive track once you have children. (of course I'm paraphrasing here but it's the general idea)

1. Make your marriage the #1 priority in the family. Make it the core.
2. Kids look to their parents relationship as an example so make it a good one.
3. Prioritize time together - even when you are tired at least make a little time
to be alone together.
4. Put marriage and kids into perspective for balance of family. Don't make the
kids the ONLY thing that is the focus of your marriage. This way you will lose
sight of each other.

Obviously these are just helpful hints. I'm not making these the gospel in our marriage. I know that there are other factors that come into play once the children are part of the equation and that can make it difficult to 'make time for each other no matter what'. I also know there are probably mom's reading this right now thinking I'm a crazy naive person and that I'll see what it's really all about soon enough. Well I'm sure they are right, I am a little naive because I've never had to be a mom and J has never had to be a dad before. But even though I'm naive I like to think of myself has being prepared. I'm thinking ahead. I know marriage is work. I want to grow old with J so that means there will be bad times and good times and I want us to be able to make it through the bad times. I've watched two of our friends (well J's friends really) cheat on their wives after the kids came along and both couples are now divorced. It's so sad. There were problems and no coummincation regarding those problems - they just went out and got a little piece of ass for their own satisfation. I just never want to get to the point that if there is a problem neither one of us can talk to the other about it. That is very important to me.
Plus - I've seen Nanny 911 and those kids are always a result of how fucked up the parents relationship is. Mayb 1 out of 10 instances the kid is actually a nightmare and the parents are at their wits end for good reason. But for the majority it's usually a lack of communication between the parents. Just my opinion.

Anyway it's a rainy warm day here in New England. So not Christmassy type weather. I was kind of hoping it would snow for the weekend when Santa comes to town! I'm making a beef stew on Friday for everyone to come over and eat before we go see Santa arrive on the Schooner. I've never made beef stew before so this should be fun.
I'll probably do the crock pot version since I have to work.

Today is a good day

Wow - I really was in a bitter mood last post. Well I'm allowed to have a funky day every now and then. But today is a good day. Thanksgiving was fun with the family (mine as well as the in-laws - SO glad everyone gets along)and the holiday spirit is slowly starting to get to me. I try to let it simmer a while so that I'm not burnt out by the time Christmas does roll around. But this weekend it will be in full boil because my town is having the annual Christmas tree lighting and Santa arrival. I swear my town goes all out and it was one of the reasons J and I bought our house.

A little history:
When we were looking at the house three years ago the owners suggested we go down to the 'historic village' in the town because there would be a tree lighting, etc. We thought it would be fun but never imagined it would be like Norman Rockwell went bezerk! At one point we joked that the owners of the house had hired the townspeople to pretend so we would buy the house - anyone see FunnyFarm with Chevy Chase?!
There was a large tree all a glow, all the shops were decorated with lights, people in turn-of-century costumes singing carols, a live nativity scene at the oldest Episcopal Church in the country, Santa actually arrived via a Schooner and then was being driven through Main Street on a horse drawn sleigh, the boy scouts were selling hot chocolate and to top it off it was actually SNOWING! You could not have orchestrated a more perfect scene except if you were in Hollywood on a set. Standing there three years ago J and I decided on the spot to buy our house. It is the highlight of our Christmas now every year to go down to the village and participate.
It also made us realize what a great family town it was.

The festivities begin this Thursday night and go on through the weekend. And as luck would have it we are keeping our niece and nephew for the weekend. They are so excited (4 and 7 years old) for Santa. We've even booked a ride on the HoHo Train in Newport. Every year the Newport dinner train converts to the HoHo train for the kids with Santa and Mrs. Claus, face painting and snacks. I've also found a place that will be holding a candy cane hunt on Sunday morning complete with roasting marshmellows and hot chocolate afterward. We have a full weekend planned and I'm so excited!

On another note - my blog friend Julie has received wonderful news. Her son Dylan will be coming home for the Holidays from Guatemala! I am so happy for her and am admittedly a little envious. J and I are still waiting for our letter from immigration so that we can go ahead and wait for our match. I know it's all a waiting game from here on out but I would love to know who God has chosen for us by Christmas. What a wonderful gift that would be! I'm still so excited for Julie and know my time will come. All of us who have gone through infertility and onto adoption have learned the hard way how to be patient.
Congratulations Julie if you are reading this - your time has come to be a mommy!

Damn the fertiles!

Lately when I see a pregnant woman or a woman with her newborn I get those old feelings back of pure hate! The feelings are strong but not as strong as they use to be. They are there though and that has me a little worried. I worry that they will never fully go away. That I will have to deal with this for a long time. I know that I just stopped fertility treatments and made the decision to adopt in August. When that decision was made I felt a tremendous weight removed from my shoulders and it was easier to be around the fertiles. However, it is not completely gone and I thought it would be by now. I think this is how I'm seeing things: I am happy for myself to go into a baby store and look at baby things but when I'm in there I feel the hatred start to rise up in me towards all the 'happy fertiles' around me. I feel really bitter and have to leave. This upsets me because I feel like they are ruining my happiness. They destroyed me when I was TTC and now that I'm 'expecting on paper' I still feel like they are destroying me. I feel like there is a club that I will never, ever belong to. Not really anyway.
Yesterday a woman on the WW GDT board came on and asked if there were any adopting moms on the board. I never answered because I saw it later in the night. But a few women came on and said they were adopting or had adopted their children. It was nice to see a community of women in the same 'club' I was in. Then I went over to the CAM's board (Calling All Moms) and read some posts. Every time I go on there I feel like such an outsider. I never post but just reading them makes me feel like I am not in their 'club'. Discussions are all about raising kids, pregnancy, TTC and nursing. The only thing I will ever have in common with the other mothers will be raising kids. And I am grateful for that. I truly am. I just can't believe that I am still feeling this anger and anxiety. It scares me.
And here is the most awful thing that I've never admitted before. When I see pregnant women on the street (I never do this in my store with my customers) I give them a dirty look. To make them feel just as bad as I do. I know that is so awful!!!!
I want them to feel gross for being all big and beautiful. I want them to be jealous of me because I'm skinny and will not have to lose all the baby weight. I want them to feel just as bad as I do but for opposite reasons. Please do not flame me for this. These are my feelings and I know they are wrong but I just can't help it.
I really thought all of this would go away once we started the adoption process and like I said before, it has to some degree. I guess the bottom line is that I am still harboring feelings of being defective and still don't think it is fair that J and I had to go through all the infertility crap! I know that I'm truly lucky to be adopting and I dream of my future baby all the time. I can't wait to meet him/her. Our child will be a true blessing. But in the meantime I still get angry. I'm human.
Please do not think I'm a hateful person. I don't expect anyone reading this who has not had to deal with infertility to understand. But you infertiles will know exactly what I'm talking about. And it's not an everyday feeling. It comes and goes. That's what makes it so hard to deal with.

Martinis and Pampered Chef - Dangerous Combination

Well the weekend turned out to be so much fun! Hanging out with the girls was just what the Dr. ordered. The Pampered Chef items were really great and I ended up ordering $81 worth. However, I can not remember all that I ordered! As you can see from this picture martinis and the order form do not mix!! Ha Ha!

The next morning about six of us went to a jazz brunch and just had the best time. Lots of good food, bloody mary's (to help combat the evils those martinis left behind!) and great girl talk! I also took about three showers in my friends new master bath. This shower lovingly referred to as 'The Car Wash' is about as big as my entire bathroom and has a tile bench and TWO shower heads on either side and FOUR massage jets (two on each side). It was the most luxurious shower I've ever taken which is why I took three in 24 hours!

J and I got two baby gifts from our friends over the weekend because according to one of my friends when she was pregnant she got gifts so we should get gifts for our baby as well. I am pregnant on paper. One of the books she gave us was the one by Jamie Lee Curtis called "Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born". It is a book written about parents and their journey to adopt their baby. The illustrations are my favorite part. Here's a link to the book on Amazon.com
The other gift was from my friend Stephanie (the one with the awesome shower). She gave us a cute little duckie that hangs on the nursery door and it says 'shhh..baby sleeping'. She also loaned us her infant car seat and base. The little pile in the baby room is not so little anymore. I really need to get going on getting that room organized and painted. I think I keep procrastinating because I know we will be waiting a while. Oh well it will need to get done at some point so why not now

Not Adoption Related

I wanted to write about something that was not adoption related. I do have lots of other things going on in my life right now. Like my big surprise for J's birthday! It's November 16 and I'm so excited about it.
I have planned for us to spend the weekend after his actual birthday in Boston at the Harborside Inn Hotel. We will arrive Friday night after dropping off Charlotte (our dog) at J's parents house. I figure we will have a late dinner and then all day Saturday just roam around Boston. Maybe visit some of our old haunts. Then I've planned for about eight of his friends to arrive at our room Saturday evening to surprise him and take him to a Bruins game. His friend Pete has been wonderful in organizing the guys and tickets and they are all excited for an excuse to party at a Bruins game. I'm definitely a cool wife in their book :)
So while J and his friends are enjoying beers and men beating each other with sticks, I will be out with some of my girlfriends enjoying martinis and some good old-fashioned girl talk. Ahhhh - the differences between men and women. It's incredible what makes us happy!
I'm SO looking forward to the weekend. It's something for J, for me and for us. It will be perfect.

This weekend those same friends of J's are coming down from MA to my house for a night of poker. I of course will be far away! I'm actually spending the weekend in MA with my good friend Stephanie at her new house. She and her husband just finished building their dream home and she is hosting a Pampered Chef party for her sister-in-law. I've never been to a Pampered Chef party so I'm very curious. Maybe I'll find some good Christmas gifts. Our other friend from college who lives in Maine will be coming down as well. So it should be a fun girls weekend.

I've also been very busy working on a business plan for my own business! I'm very excited but can't share my idea just yet. Soon though!

Well I actually got through a whole post without talking about the adoption. It's good to have other interests to keep us occupied. With the waiting adoption entails keeping occupied is a very good thing!